Thoughts
by The Less You See
Summary: I've thought of death before, but I've never actually considered taking my own life. Until the day that I was destroyed by no one other than myself. And oh, what a cruel way to die indeed.


WARNINGS: DO NOT READ IF SENSITIVE TO SUICIDE

…..

To know everything that someone's heart contains is too know their soul through and through.

Or so I thought.

Never had I considered that there are things, feelings that they can keep from themselves. Thoughts that remain hidden in the recesses of their minds waiting for the moment when they can break free from their black prison.

I was astounded when I found some of these terrifyingly morbid thoughts within my own head.

I had thought that I knew myself far better than anyone else would ever. I forced myself to remain distant and to lie to those who cared and loved me.

And it worked.

It worked far better than I could have anticipated.

They left me.

All of them, one by one.

And I was alone.

Within my loneliness, I found out things that no one should ever have to know. Things that make your worst nightmares seem like the most beautiful daydream. All were thoughts I had pushed into the back of my head.

I wanted to kill everyone that left me to die on my own. I wanted to destroy every place that shunned me and would never let me return. I wanted all those who wronged me to suffer and have their hearts filled with such a black, painful anguish that their very souls would cry out into the night and wish for death.

However, I never once acted upon my feelings.

Until the days after I fell from the edge of the Bifrost.

The Chi'tauri found me and nursed me back to health. They provided me with a deadly power and told me that I would now be able to take over every last Midgardian.

So I tried.

I fought many battles with my brother and his fellow "Avengers".

I still couldn't win.

And so I spiraled down and let myself give into the pain and the hurt that I kept hidden under lock and key.

I got angrier and angrier until I made a mistake.

So I lost.

They captured me and threw me into a holding cell with a muzzle and magic-suppressing handcuffs. I waited several days before they decided my fate. Days that I used imagining the worst punishments that they could possibly inflict upon me for my crimes.

They picked the most painful one possible.

They were sending me back to Asgard to be tried by my father.

And he would never be merciful.

I wished for death, craved it even. After so long of living for its sweet, sweet breath, I wished to experience it for myself and see if it really would be the end of my suffering.

Or if it would be like everything else in my life and disappoint me.

I never found out.

Forced upon my knees in front of the All father, I stared at the floor contemplating how hard it would be to commit suicide in the dark pit that they were surely going to lock me in for all eternity. The guards would probably be all too happy to give me the rope to let me hang myself anyway.

The sentencing was over and I was slowly, painfully led down to the cellars were only the worst prisoners were kept and thrown into a hole.

It was damp and dark with only the smallest amount of light being let in through the window in the door. The pain of the broken ribs I had obtained by the fall cut through my self-destruction thoughts and I forced myself to fix them instead of allowing them to cut up my internal organs in a hope that I would die from the blood loss.

I almost didn't want to give my father and the guards the satisfaction.

So I stayed in my prison for Odin knows how long.

Minutes passed so slowly, you could almost hear the click in your head. Hours rarely brought a change in the monotony of silence. Days and weeks had no meaning just as time lost its significance quickly.

As surely as I was never getting out of this pit, my thoughts began to turn back towards death.

Would there be lasting pain? Would my sins carry me to Hell or would all be forgiven in Valhalla? Would I even be able to kill myself, being an immortal god?

Would anyone care that I was gone?

All passed through my mind, but none so much as how. How would I pull this horrible, sacrilegious act off?

And then it hit me.

I still had the clothes I was wearing. Having enchanted them some time ago to show no signs of age now proved to be an incredibly useful thing. I could tear them apart and make a noose just as surely as I could with rope.

So I did.

The noose was finished in a matter of minutes as soon as I had my shirt off.

I only prayed that it would be enough to end my pathetic excuse for a life.

I brought the cloth up to my neck and pulled it tight. I waited with it poised to close off my airway completely and tried to come up with some reason not to pull it tight.

Nothing came to mind.

And I pulled.

Death by suffocation is a very painful thing it turns out. There is no quick end. It takes a minute or two for the lack of air to register with your brain and after it does, you could feel your body shutting down. Your heartbeat slows minute by minute and pain simply stops registering with your brain. Black begins to dance at the edge of your vision while your ears begin to pop. You barely register that the gasping sound you hear is actually coming from your own throat. The black that used be just at the edges of your vision closes in and everything, sound and light and conscious thought just fades away completely.

And I, Loki the worst traitor of Asgard, died today.

…..

A/N: That was really, really depressing. God, what is wrong with me today. I feel like crap for killing Loki again, but really, if you can't see what an amazing angsty goldmine that Loki is, then you're insane.

But still, I feel really bad. Next time, I'm going to try my hand at writing humour, or romance, or anything other than angst really.

But it's probably not going to happen.

Oh well.

Hope you enjoyed,

_Love,_

_Tainted Fated Demise_


End file.
